According to an article by New York Post writer Tara Palmeri, some rich, narcissistic assholes from Manhattan have launched a scheme in which they hire handicapped persons to pretend they are a family member so that aforementioned rich, narcissistic assholes can cut line at Disney World.
I shit you not.
The article asserts that “black-market Disney guides” cost these rich, narcissistic assholes $130 an hour, or $1,040 for an eight-hour day. Hey, it’s worth it if you’re part of the 1 percent so that you and your children don’t have to be bothered waiting their turn. At the very least, it’s a valuable lesson to the kids so that they can grow up to be successful rich, narcissistic assholes themselves.
Here are two actual quotes straight from Palmeri’s wonderfully understated prose:
“My daughter waited one minute to get on ‘It’s a Small World’ — the other kids had to wait 2 1/2 hours,” crowed one mom, who hired a disabled guide through a service called Dream Tours Florida.
“You can’t go to Disney without a tour concierge,’’ she sniffed. “This is how the 1 percent does Disney.”
Hahahahahaha! Did I mention this horrifying bitch being quoted is a rich, narcissistic asshole? Oh good lord, I want to punch her in the neck. Or hire some guy in a Goofy costume to beat her up outside It’s a Small World. (By the way, if you are also a rich, narcissistic asshole, Brain Farts apologizes if you have taken any offense at this blog post so far. Just kidding. Fuck you.)
Anyway, this particular rich, narcissistic asshole said her husband paid a Dream Tours guide to take their two kids, aged 1 and 5, through the park while riding a scooter bearing a “handicapped” sign on the front. And at each ride, they were escorted to an auxiliary entrance, thus avoiding standing in line with the wretched 99 percent. Well, and any honest, decent 1-percenters who might be at Disney that day.
Interestingly, Palmeri notes that Disney offers a VIP guide and fast passes for $310 to $380 per hour, which is way more expensive than hiring a handicapped person to cheat one’s way through. Perhaps they should also offer a Rich, Narcissistic Assholes pass so that not only can you jump to the front of the line, each member in your party also gets a pair of Mickey Mouse ears with the words “Out of My Way, Commoners” emblazoned on the front.
Anyway, if you want to get in on it, contact Dream Tours Florida, mention Palmeri’s article, and tell them emphatically that you are a rich, narcissistic asshole. My guess is you’ll be rocking out to Country Bear Jamboree in no time.
Hey look, while I’m sure Dream Tours intends to do a good thing with its service (or at least did at one time), it all goes back to one my great life’s philosophies: Just because you can get away with it, that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. Unfortunately, rich, narcissistic assholes typically do not receive that memo.
And if they do, they probably hire some 99-percenter to tear it up and dispose of it for them. That is all.